Oh yeah! I still have a blog!

I guess the fact that I haven't posted in a month is a good thing- it hasn't even crossed my mind! I'm in the lab right now doing some super fun science stuff and I have to wait 2 hours for my cells to incubate before the fun can continue, so I thought what better way to pass the time than to do some writing.

First exciting face update is that I can pretty much smile now! I did a comparison shot of my smile before and my current smile (well, as of when I took the photo a couple weeks ago). I think it's particularly cool because you can have a more accurate view of the change as opposed to me just staring blankly at the camera. The biggest thing to notice is the disappearance of the gummy smile- I don't remember how much they cut out (maybe a half cm or something), but it's enough to bring my teeth up to normal smile level.

Smile comparison- @ 15 weeks

I still have a lot of botoxed-forehead action happening, but I can now close my eyes if I squeeze reeeeeally tight! You don't even understand how much easier this makes showering- it is extremely annoying to have to literally hold your eyes closed with one hand while washing your face. It's the little things in life.......

Only weird unexpected post-surgery thing was the other week I noticed this thing sticking out of my upper gum. I don't have any sensation up there on the inside, so I didn't notice it until I was checking out my stitches before an orthodontist appointment. Certainly freaked me right out. My orthodontist thought it could potentially be a piece of bone or a screw that had shifted, to which my mother replied "heehee maybe you have some screws loose...you'll find that funny later." Hilarity aside, it really is quite disturbing to have something poking out of your gum. Anyway, today my surgeon squeezed me in to take a look at it and said it was just a little bone fragment. It falls right along the line of where he split my upper jaw between my teeth (imagine if you drew a line straight down from the outsides of my nostrils...that's where they split to widen my bite). The way he put it, he cut like a carpenter, but bones aren't wood so they can move around as they heal. Basically, it will either just smooth itself out or work it's way out. Either way, I'm glad I don't have feeling back there yet. Yikes! He didn't seem shocked or concerned so that takes a load off. Considering how perfect the recovery has been so far, I shouldn't be surprised that my body did something weird, because bodies ARE weird. I don't think I expected him to say "Well, looks like a screw has popped out so we're going to have to go back in there or your entire jaw might fall off", but I'm still relieved nonetheless.

I've been keeping myself busy with lots of exciting things. Last week my choir was part of this awesome thing that Soundstreams puts on every other year called University Voices- they bring a handful of wicked university choirs from across Canada (good ol UoG being one, of course), and an amazing conductor from overseas to lead us for rehearsals for the week then we put on a big show at Koerner Hall on the Sunday (the 11th). It was really fun to be in Toronto for the week- since I'm the only one from nearby, I brought the choir to my house one of the nights for dinner and relaxing time. It was really nice to not be at a hotel/restaurant for one evening, and my family loved meeting everyone. Here's a picture of me with Mary and Kim, two of my beautiful roomies and fellow sopranos, all decked out in our concert dress...

This year the conductor they brought was this amazing man from Latvia, and they actually brought his professional choir, the Latvian Radio Choir, too, to sing with us. They are one of the best chamber choirs in the world so it was really choir nerd heaven. If you happen to be interested, there is a recording of the concert here. My favourite pieces that we did are at 45:00, a few movements from Rachmaninoff's Vespers (the Latvian choir does the first few, and we join in on the last one), and Schnittke's concerto for choirs at 1:55:00. The Schnittke one is probably my favourite choral piece ever- it's in 16 PARTS! Both pieces are in russian which I've never sang in before and it was awesome. I'd say it's now up there with german and latin on the list of languages-in-which-I-enjoy-singing. I actually can't stop listening to it. I need to find a way to get this transformed into an audio file and onto my itunes- it's too good to rely on the disastrous internet at my house to try to listen to it.

Speaking of itunes, computer issues are my newest time suck. I got an iPhone last week, and I couldn't put any music onto it because I didn't have the newest itunes. No problem, I thought, as I downloaded it. 500 hours later it was finally downloaded but wouldn't install because I don't have the latest mac operating system. It was only 20 bucks to download it seemed, but I figured I'd better walk over to the apple store before I tamper with anything. I knew my operating system was old when the girl at the counter had to shout to the back room asking what version this was, and her response was "OH MY GOD, REALLY?" Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't throw it into a glass case and ship it off to the Smithsonian right that instance. Apparently I was running this ancient operating system called "Leopard". They made it sound like I was basically running Windows 97. I couldn't jump right up to the newest version, Mountain Lion, without first updating to Snow Leopard, which isn't sold anymore.  I could bypass the one between Snow Leopard and Mountain Lion (Lion), but not without backing my stuff up onto an external harddrive. I just had no idea that you actually had to pursue these things to update. I prefer it like itunes and adobe when they let you know clearly that it's time to come up to modern times. Anyway, 2 days and $200 later, I now have music on my phone and my 3 year old macbook pro is no long obsolete. 

Me and my computer

I kind of wish my life was like my computer as it was last week. Frozen in time, still doing it's thing, not being bothered by anything, and no real problems other than not being up to date on current events and just running a little slowly (Ha! Get it? I don't run unless it's for the bus). But alas, it's not. My university life feels like this weekend's operating system overhall- all of a sudden, BAM. I spent a lot of money, jumped up a few levels, got a little smarter, got better looking, and now I'm expected to function a lot better. Everything is going by so quickly and it's the worst. I'm almost half way done 4th year! Next week is the last week of classes. Um, what? Where has the time gone!? I have to get myself in to some extra human anatomy lab hours this week because I missed the heart/lung dissection when I was away doing my choir thing, but other than that it's basically on to finals! As soon as that is done I have to actually start thinking about what I'm going to be doing come graduation. New operating system of my LIFE. I just hope it's not called Cougar. I'm not that old just yet.

In the meantime, I've been distracting myself by daydreaming about Christmas break- my girlfriends and I do a fancy schmancy secret santa event every year, and this year will be our 10th annual so I'm getting really excited. I just want the 14th to be here so I can do some shopping! One of my roommates is done on the 3rd. How ridiculous is that?

Now I need to go tend to my cells so I can go home and sleep. But you better believe I'm going to leave the christmas music on while I do it. Here's my latest profile shot for some ending excitement. If I had the time, I would photoshop a little santa hat on.

Profile comparison- 4 months

Sweet dreams!

A

DAY 100!

Well, ladies and gents, I've done it. I've survived 100 days with my new face. Thinking back to the summer, I can't believe how long it's been. Yay! My little stint at home seemed to last forever, but I've almost been at school for that same amount of time. Crazy.

Anyway, things are going well. I can finally (sort of) smile!!! Here is photographic evidence. It's from a few days ago, but I promise it hasn't changed. I still can't move anything on the top half of my face, but it doesn't look half bad I don't think!

SMILE!

I finally went yesterday to get my card key for the pathobio building (where my lab is), and I was pleasantly surprised to look halfway normal in my photo. Finally!

Tuesday I had an appointment with my surgeon. It was awesome! He was so pleased with how I'm doing. Last time I was there (early September?) I could open 23mm wide- this time I got a massive 45. 45mm falls in the normal range! It's great and all to think the swelling is going down, but nothing is quite as exciting as concrete quantitative evidence. Guess the jaw exercises actually do work. He was so happy with my smile too- he says he's so proud of me, and although I'm not convinced that it actually has anything to do with me, I'll take it! It's very reassuring to be told that your progress is not only awesome, but it exceeds expectations. The big disappointment of the day though is the verdict on skydiving. If you've talked to me even once in the past month or so, I've probably told you about how I'm going skydiving. I've wanted to do it for absolutely ever, and I convinced my roommates to come with me. We signed up and it was going to be this coming Saturday (the 20th). I don't know why, but I absolutely couldn't see a potential problem. I figured that I could make it a gentle landing, and even if it were to be rough, titanium is pretty tough. Probably tougher than your "real bone" joints...psh. I thought at most I would have to wear a mouth guard to cushion the impact. Anyway, I told my surgeon about it and his response was not what I expected/wanted to hear. He burst out laughing and then realized I was serious- he could not wrap his head around the fact that I wanted to hurl myself out of a plane 15 weeks post-op. He said the landing could (and likely would) jar my jaw and then I would have chronic pain forever. Not exactly the road I want to go down after having such magical results so far. He is obviously right, but I am so disappointed I can hardly stand it. I was trying so hard not to cry because then I had to have photos taken- it was not a fun afternoon. I'm sure I would be fine, but if I were to go ahead and do it anyway and something were to happen, I would look like such an idiot and there would be no sympathy in the chronic pain department (not to mention these 100 days of recovery will have been for naught). Long story short, Saturday is going to suck when I am sitting at home alone while my roommates go live out my bucket list dream. Jaw surgery sucks.

On a more positive note, I am loving this fall season. I made these pumpkin chocolate chip bars the other day that are just wonderful, and I'm just obsessed with the weather. My new favourite study spot is in the big glass building where my lab is because it looks onto a field with lots of beautiful coloured trees. The view is probably distracting, but it certainly is a mood improver. Other good news is my gross haircut is almost long enough to tuck/pin behind my ears. While I have pretty much accepted it, I still can't fathom why anyone would voluntarily do this. There's going to be a solid year until I can put it in a ponytail with my normal hair. Actually I read an article thing this morning with the 25 worst fashion trends or something, and this bad boy made the list alright. Don't do it, kids. But back to the silver lining, it is almost tuck-behind-my-ears-able. 

Anyway, skydiving disaster aside, all is well. Feeling more normal and getting into the swing of school. Course selection was this morning, and I couldn't decide so I just signed up for everything and I'll decide what to drop later. Last course selection EVER. I have to go run to my anatomy lab now, but here is a more stoic, less trying to smile picture. Jawline for miles.

Happy Thursday!

A

Peace, surgical hooks! 12 weeks.

Today I had the immense pleasure of getting my surgical hooks removed. It's definitely not the same level of awesomeness as having my splint taken out, but it's still a welcome change. No longer will my lip get awkwardly stuck while I'm talking to someone, and I won't be that weird girl on the bus who keeps licking her teeth anymore. Remember back when I got them put on? My 2nd blog post, if memory serves. Oh, how menacing I thought they were. And how menacing they turned out to be. Ah well, distant memory. I've already forgotten what it's like to get my lip stuck. Maybe it never even happened...

Anyway, this joy was made possible by a trip home today to visit my orthodontist. She also replaced all the brackets at the top because a few of them had broken in surgery (I don't want to know how) and they had unsightly blobs of white plaster holding them on. You realize how actually non-white teeth are when they have pure white glue on them. Now they are back to the beautiful invisible braces I've had for the past 15 months. My roommate didn't seem to notice a difference when I oh-so-excitedly showed him my new and improved hardware, but I notice and that's all that matters! (To be fair, I don't really smile very much). Regardless, now that they are a little more viewer-friendly I've snapped a good ol' photobooth shot to show the change in my teeth. In both photos, my teeth are clamped shut. Look at that space in the before shot! No wonder I was a disaster at biting things. Now they happily close like normal-people teeth! Never using a knife again- I will pick things up on a fork and bite pieces off. Just because I can.

Bite improvement!

Someone give me a plastic bag I can tear open please.

Oh! I found the little notebook that I was using to write on in the hospital when I couldn't speak. It is equally the funniest and saddest thing ever. Here are a few choice excerpts: 

"More pain meds. I can't swallow. I'm drowning." How depressing is this! Even required an underline, it was so hectic. First night drama no doubt.

"Do my teeth touch?" Why yes, Allie, yes they do! "Need to swallow :(" Problem was solved by a nifty little suction device.

"Pain pup. Mump. P" Third time's the charm. I think they understood that I wanted a pain pump, and not an aching doggie or a weird measles-like disease.

"More aip please. More aire please." My god- medicated, suffocating Allie sure is polite.

What song do you want, Allie? "Call me madbe lol. Also d my yelids close". No, no they don't, but that's okay because I had Carly Rae to cheer me up.

"Aliusfblzjflzkjfnvlkmcxvnlzudfbliuzdfn." What do you mean you don't understand? I do notice a "...yyyyyy" at the end of a word though, so I was clearly trying to emphasize something. What do you mean I have to move my hand as I write- can't I just write every letter on the same spot? Don't do drugs, kids.

Voila. Now it's as if you were all in the hospital with me! Can't believe that was 12 whole weeks ago. Insanity! It's gone by so quickly, yet at the same time it feels so long ago. I guess that's like everything though (I mean, take university for example- how am I in 4th year?). I read some of my pre-surgery blog posts the other day and it just brought back a flood of memories of the night before/morning of. I really have no idea how I actually did this. I get so flustered and nervous thinking about it, and then I remember that it's already happened! I never really thought about how it would feel to be done, though. I only thought as far ahead as immediate recovery, and to some distant future where I'm an real adult with the most unreal bone structure. Didn't really think about that moment when it wouldn't be the only thing occupying my mind at any given time. I might slowly be getting there. My smile is even slowly improving! My roomies are all such good sports when I run in to show them the latest flash of my pearly whites. Good god I must be annoying. But annoying or not, they always say it looks better.  And I'm finally starting to actually see it! The goal is still for big smiley grad photos in the spring. Those babies will be framed and/or put in the wallets of everyone I know. All you 7459 people who have read my blog can have one. Well, approximately 7456 views were my dad, but the other 3 of you are more than welcome to have a copy too. I'll be taking orders closer to the date.

More immediate goal, however, is skydiving! Me and 2 of my roommates are going on the 20th. I figured 15 weeks post-op is more than enough. Much to my mother's dismay, my orthodontist today said she didn't see a problem with it. The only thing that could stop me would be if my surgeon says my jaw will fall off. I would hazard a guess to say, though, that titanium is probably tougher than my real bones would've been. Maybe I'll wear a balaclava to keep everything together. Either way, I am UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED. 

Time to go study for the psych middy I have on Thursday. Gotta brush up on my facial recognition! Heehee. I'll end this post with the requisite 12-week-selfie.

Day 82

Night!

A

Update time! Day 76.

Hello friends! Sitting on campus, waiting for my 11:30 vocal lesson, and I figured what better way to spend my time than doing a little blogging. I really have a ton of work to do, but this is more fun. I have an abstract due on Friday for my research project that I'm working on right now. It's really hard to explain what you're going to do for the next 8 months when you haven't actually done anything yet. My working title is...wait for it..."Impact of vaccine platforms and anti-inflammatory drugs on the ability to separate tumor-specific autoimmunity from autoimmune pathology in a melanoma mouse model." Mouthful and a half. It is actually easier to write than I anticipated, but still. It's no small feat to explain cancer immunotherapy in 500 words. I also have to do a godforsaken chapter summary for a 2nd year psych class that I'm in. I signed up for a chapter swap group and purposely chose a chapter that wasn't needed til the second midterm since this is a busy week, and then they up and decided that everyone needed to submit them a week before the first midterm, aka this Thursday. Unnecessary and annoying. The course is actually fairly interesting though...we're talking right now about facial recognition (or lack thereof) which is particularly apt for me obviously. People keep asking me about that, and it really is strange. I've had absolutely zero "identity problems", which was one of my biggest fears going into this whole thing. I thought I'd have at least a while of looking in the mirror and freaking out, but that hasn't happened once. While still in the hospital I did make them open the bathroom cabinet so I couldn't see the mirror when I hobbled past, but that was more because I looked like Sloth from The Goonies than anything else. But since then, completely normal. Minds and bodies are crazy stuff, people. Who knew that you could change your face completely and still recognize yourself as yourself? Not me! What has been awkward, though, is at least 5 times I've passed people on campus that I know quite well and waved, and they've stared at me blankly and walked past. I don't think 5 people have decided to stop liking me so I'm pegging it on the lack of recognition. I do enjoy the 5 second pause before the realization as I start talking, though. Always entertaining. Ooh on that note, here is a comparison shot from last Tuesday (10 week mark). I think the swelling has gone down even since then, but it's a good side by side. 

10 weeks post-op

As my mother points out, yes it is a particularly bad before shot, but I couldn't put a nice photogenic smiley before shot or it wouldn't look as cool. That's the cardinal rule of before and after shots.

This weekend was very exciting. My mom came for lunch on Friday which was awesome because she hasn't seen me since I moved back 3 weeks ago! Big change in the swelling. Then it was homecoming on Saturday, and although we didn't actually get tickets (they sold out in 20 MINUTES), it was still wonderful. So weird to think that this is the last homecoming of my undergrad. (Cue the emotional music and slideshow of memories.) We got all dressed up in our red, black, and yellow and had some fun. In the evening we ended up going to "funk night" at one of the bars downtown that my roommate is obsessed with and it was way better than I expected. I did my best in all photos to not smile, so there are an excessive number of pictures with my tongue out or growling fiercely. You know how it is. Last night I discovered though that my smile really is coming along! I still have a little bit of that "I watch you while you sleep" look because the top half of my face is immobile, but it's getting there. The way less fun event of last night was when my poor roommate Rebecca broke her heel in a hockey fiasco. OUCH. We brought them food to the hospital but I didn't stay with them. They got home by 12:30, crutches in tow. 4 hours in the ER actually isn't that bad of a wait for a non-life-threatening injury I suppose, but it was quite the long day for her since she drove back from Montreal and then played 2 intramural games. She's a champ!

Overall I'm feeling quite good. Even though I'm feeling better (whether I've tricked myself into thinking so, or I actually am), I'm making a very conscious effort to not overdo it. Trying very hard. I'm still doing my exercises like a good girl, and the pain is minimal. Last week I was eating with headphones in! I never could do that before because the grinding of the joints was so loud. That was one of the first direct improvements I've noticed. I've been sick all week with a wicked cold though which isn't fun...it's really hard to blow your nose when you have screws right behind it, let me tell you! The only thing that's bothering me is that I've realized that my scars aren't even, as stupid as that sounds. They are both beautifully thin and straight, but they're not exactly symmetrical under my chin. The rest of my face is now perfectly symmetrical, so I wish they were too! Well actually I just wish I hadn't noticed it. Ah well, I'll just bio-oil the crap out of them until I can't see them anymore. Either that or I'll just stop being crazy and remind myself of how exquisite they are (they actually are unbelievably well done). On a more positive note, I'm crushing it in Fantasy Football. I won last week, and this week not only am I winning but I've got the highest projected total in the league with 147. That's right. The Goaldiggers are bringin the heat.

Anyway, off to sing now. I'll end this post with yet another selfie. I'll give up the selfies when the face novelty wears off, I promise. One of these days I might even smile.

Day 75

Yay for swelling going down! It's up to you now, facial muscles and nerves. I believe in you!

A

Hi from Guelph!

Well, I successfully made it back to school and finished my first 2 days of classes. Go figure!

I was thinking about moving on Tuesday, but I desperately wanted to settle in, so by the grace of some higher power I got my act together and was ready for Monday night. Not without a break for some selfies of course:

Day 55

It was really hard to leave...all of a sudden my magical summer of tv, ice cream, and having nothing to do was ripped out from under me. All my roommates had moved in by the time I got here which was nice. When I arrived, the boys were here with 2 friends of theirs and they were getting ready to go out- I actually joined them! I lasted downtown far later than I care to admit, but it was a really fun night. Not too shabby for someone who hadn't been out later than 10:30 since early July (and that was across the street from my house).

That reminds me- I had another first-since-July: a drink! The day before I moved in, I finished my narcotics, and 3 of my roommates came and picked me up and we went to a Jays game. That's right...my first beverage in 2 months was a $10 tallcan of Budweiser. And it was glorious. Certainly more glorious than the Jays themselves, who were losing 9-0 until the 7th inning (it ended 9-4). It was a great, sunburn-filled end to my summer.

Anyway, back to Guelph. Tuesday and Wednesday night I had 5 hour training sessions with the tour guides. I'm holding off on actually giving any campus tours for a little while, but it was still nice to see everyone (and get some free food). :)

Wednesday I actually did get to see my mom again, because she came and picked me up for an appointment with my surgeon. It went really well! He seems so happy with how things are going, which is really reassuring. He also set up my lovely little therabite (see photo). Basically I put this contraption in my mouth and squeeze it to stretch my jaw open. Shockingly it doesn't hurt at all...it looks like a torture device so I was preparing for the worst. Much less horrific than it looks.

Thursday I had orientation at my new lab, one class, and choir rehearsal in Waterloo. I was more than pleasantly surprised by how well I could sing! I think I was more scared than anything, but all went well. Looks like I'll get to keep my job after all! So much relief.

Yesterday was also a good day. I had class at 9:30, then I managed to drop off 2 course waiver forms, a form to change calendar years, buy my textbooks, and get my bus pass ALL BY 10:45. Haven't felt that productive in quite awhile. My roommate Garnet and I had almost as productive of an afternoon- power nap, Staples, beer store and groceries, and home in time for supper! In the evening, all 5 of us went to a party at the house of some friends of theirs which was fun. Our night was capped off by walking home in the torrential downpour.

In what I can only assume to be a narcotic-induced decision, I volunteered a few weeks ago to make cupcakes for our choir rehearsal/welcome back dinner/party/whatever thing that's happening today. I planned to make them yesterday but ran out of time, so I had to whip them up this morning. And they look just awful. My original idea was to make them German themed, in honour of our competition in Germany in April (in which we came 3rd woooo). Do you know how hard it is to make German themed cupcakes? Have you ever thought about it? Whether I was colouring the icing or the actual cake, how on earth would you make it black without being black licorice? And how would the German flag look when the red part is actually pink, since that is always how red food colouring turns out. And if I made them plain with german-themed decor, what would I put on them? I ran out of ideas past lederhosen, schnitzel and pretzels, and really, those would just look stupid on a cupcake wouldn't they? These are all unanswered questions that ran through my head this morning as I tried to bake in a new house. All the extra time spent trying to find things didn't actually help me come to any more conclusions. So, long story short, I decided to just make fun colourful cupcakes. I've been meaning to do this forever- where you make different coloured batter and layer it. In theory, they are awesome. But looking at them, I find them particularly unappealing looking. Kind of like superkid ice cream, but not quite as bright. I'm going to ignore the fact that some of them look slightly undercooked and just ice them white. Before anyone eats them I'm definitely going to give a little warning that they might be disasters, and cross my fingers that they like me for more than just my baking abilities.

So that is where I'm at right now! I got kind of bummed out last night because I was meeting all these new people and I couldn't even smile at anyone. Do you know how awkward it is to make eye contact with someone when you can't even grin in acknowledgement? It's very awkward, and I probably came off as rude. My surgeon said on Wednesday that it can take up to a year or year and a half to be able to smile again (IF AT ALL), but he is very optimistic about me. One thing that keeps running through my head is grad photos. No one wants to be that girl that finally gets to don the black robes and earn her red and gold BScH grad hood, only to be giving a blank stare in every single shot. Come on little facial nerves/muscles, you can do it! On a positive note though, I think the swelling is coming down a bit. A bit. At least my new roommates are awesome, if not my new face yet.

Anyway, time to go ice some "cupcakes", if you can even call them that.  :)

A

To my splint: farewell, au revoir, sayonara, auf wiedersehen, adios, arrivederci.....

Today was the day I got my gigantic splint taken out of my mouth. And ya know what? It didn't actually suck like I thought it would. In fact, I had a wonderful day. I've been dreading this day for the past few weeks because I was warned about how much it would hurt. The splint is this honkin' piece of plastic that my upper teeth sat in like a retainer, and it had all these little wires wrapped around my braces to keep it in place. For some reason I had it in my mind that all the little wires had to be unraveled, but of course it just all got clipped. I had planned to start untwisting all the wires myself to minimize the time with hands all up in my grill, but my wise mother talked me out of it. Good thing I didn't start that or I think my surgeon and nurses would probably have started questioning my intelligence, or at least my sanity.

I decided to prepare by taking the dose of pain meds I was on a few weeks ago, aka quadruple what I'm taking right now. I took half on the way over, and when I got there they said I probably had about another 30 min to wait so I took the other half. Within maybe 2 minutes it was my turn, and nothing had kicked in. Luckily I didn't need it, but needless to say it was a sleeeeeepy afternoon. I was incredibly nervous because I knew it went so far back in my mouth, and it's still all so sensitive. So anyway, I lie down in my little chair and he comes in to get this speech-impediment-maker/food-holder/incision-healer out of my mouth after all these weeks. I imagine it's a similar feeling to childbirth: you have absolutely zero desire to go through it, but it's not like the thing can stay in there forever. Although in my case, my reward was a nasty little piece of plastic, not a loving bundle of joy. I also can only assume this was a more pleasant experience. Whatever, it's the best analogy I can come up with. 

As soon as I cranked my jaw open and saw him honing in on the target with wire clippers I immediately tensed up- back arched, and very nearly punctured holes in the armrests with my fingernails. This led to him asking me if I trusted him. I couldn't help but burst into laughter- if I didn't trust him, then I've certainly gone too far and maybe should've thought of that before I let him slice my face for 10 hrs. We all had a giggle. And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Sure, the wire clipping seemed to go on for awhile because there's so much of it, but as soon as that thing was out and I could clamp my teeth together, there was a little fireworks display in my head. I would estimate it's been about 6 years since my teeth have touched in all those places. It was magical. I then got to go brush my teeth (glorious- even though this "adult brush" was a bit bigger than the little kiddy Dora toothbrush I've been using). Not gonna lie, I teared up a little bit in the bathroom. I expected to cry today, but more because of the pain than the emotions. Yeah, yeah, it's lame, but it was a pretty sweet moment. I haven't been able to appreciate the pain-free fake joints yet because of, well, the pain, and I haven't been able to fully appreciate the aesthetics yet because of the swelling, but all of a sudden I could fully appreciate the new bite. It immediately validated the 2 years of appointments, the year of braces, the week in the hospital, the 7 weeks in bed, and the months of recovery to come. In that moment I knew that never again would I bite into a sandwich and only pull off the bread, leaving all the delicious filling exposed and un-devoured because I couldn't bite all the way through. It should be noted that I ate a grilled cheese- successfully- as soon as I got home. Ohhhh yeah. My mom and I high-fived.

With this splint out, I can instantly speak more clearly and I think my upper lip falls flatter. Maybe not to anyone else but in my eyes it does. It's also no longer poking through my lips. Exhibit A: 

Splint free!! Day 48.

Tomorrow I'm going to see my orthodontist and I'm very excited to see her reaction. She will definitely appreciate the change I think! The rest of the week will be spent trying to get my act together for school. As if summer is over- wowza. I'll probably be moving back on Monday or Tuesday to get settled in, then I have tour guide training Tuesday and Wednesday night, an appointment with my surgeon Wednesday morning, and classes start on Thursday. Yay! Back to school! :|

Anyway, here is my first side-by-side front view comparison. The "after" shot is taken on my less-than-stellar cell phone camera, but I am wearing the same dress at least! I am still quite swollen but I think you can see that it's gone down a bit since last time. As long as it keeps going down, I'll be happy!

Before and after as of day 46.

All in all, it's been a long but rewarding day. If anyone has had braces, imagine the feeling of getting your braces off but times 10...except that I still have braces. Haha.

I can't even begin to fathom how lucky I am. I was reading this online article profiling my surgeon and his colleague (read it here) and it only reaffirmed that. Most people endure 10-20 surgeries before they bring in the big guns, and I got it right off the bat. Their's is the largest clinic in Canada (there's also a small one in Alberta), and they're only funded to do about 20 a year. When I think about all the people that can't have this done for whatever reason, be it financial, distance, wait-list, whatever, it makes me really sad but it makes me appreciate this whole thing even more. Quite the adventure. And today is the first day I've felt closer to being recovered than to having had surgery. It's a great feeling. Ok, now time to go tear open plastic bags with my under-worked canines. (Just kidding...but the urge is strong).

A :)

ps. I changed my Fantasy Football team name to The Goaldiggers. Our logo is a picture of the Disney Princesses all clad in gold. I thought it was particularly more girly and less frightening than Skull Crushers, and I love it. Our draft is Saturday- time to start my research!

6 weeks! 6 weeks! 6 weeks!

Taken on day 38

1- The number of chins that I gained
2- The number of weeks until I go back to school
3- The number of times I've trekked to visit my surgeon post-surgery
4- The number of incisions on my face
5- The number of pillows on my bed
6- THE NUMBER OF WEEKS SINCE MY SURGERY

I cannot believe 6 weeks ago today I was all drugged up, letting a whole team of strangers work some magic on my shoddy bone structure. In some ways, it feels like I have been lying in bed doing my jaw exercises for ages, but in another way I feel like it was just yesterday that I was getting my lovely hair hacked off while waiting to walk myself over to the OR. The concept of time is a very weird thing when you're not doing a whole lot.

That being said, I am doing a little bit more lately. Friday night we had a surprise birthday party (so fun!) for one of my friends, and he conveniently lives across the street from me. I took advantage of all my spare time to make some cupcakes, then I walked over around 7. He came at 8 (completely shocked...go us) and I stayed and hung out in their gorgeous backyard for a few hours, then I was home by 10:30 like a good little patient! I obviously had to pass on going downtown with them, but I really felt included, and gave myself a little pat on the back for making it out. I had to tragically turn down the many bottles of champagne (I LOVE champagne), but I got to enjoy some food and ice cream cake and the non-alcoholic beer that Steph bought me at the grocery store- haha! She is adorable. Here is the group photo I made my friends pose for. In case you can't tell me apart from the happy partygoers, I'm the one that looks like she's having the worst time ever. In fact, I am actually having the most wonderful time but can't express that on my swollen, emotionless face. :( I feel like that party hat really make me look more fun though.

Spot the jaw surgery patient!

That was a very fun night and a perfect event for my first real social activity. The next day, I went back over to the birthday boy's house to watch a movie, then 2 of my new roommates came for a visit in the evening. We had dinner, walked to Bloor for a coffee, and played board games. It was a wonderful weekend :). Tonight we had a family shindig at my cousins' house, because it's the one night a year when all the cousins are in town. It was a lovely time! I was much perkier than I expected I'd be...a good sign I think.

Despite my increased level of fun, I am very fed up with this recovery. I am still extremely swollen. (I know it may not look it in the self portraits, but I angle myself well). I looked at a picture today from day 7 and I pretty much look exactly the same. DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! The logical side of me knows that it takes time, and before I know it I'll be looking just dandy. It knows that I had a whole lot done and I just need to have faith in the process, because I can't be swollen forever (hey body...that was not a challenge). It knows that when I get the splint out on the 27th I'll feel much better, and that I just need to keep increasing my water intake and the time I spend walking around every day. My emotional side, however, really isn't having any of it. I have been told throughout this whole process that I can expect a 6 week recovery. Today makes 6 weeks, and I am not recovered. So much frustrationnnnnn. I also have "6 to 8 weeks" in my mind, but at this point 8 weeks is also not looking very probable. I am a patient person, I am, but this is getting silly. I just want to go to school and be able to emote to my little heart's content. I just read the blog of another jaw surgery patient and she said she was completely good to go, no swelling or anything, at 2 weeks. I call shenanigans because that is just ridiculous. I do, however, take solace in the fact that her surgery (and those of all the other blogs I've read where they're out living it up within mere weeks) wasn't remotely as extensive as mine, but still. Back to work 14 days post-op? No way, jose. Not on my watch. But back to school 58 days post-op? Bring it on.

Luckily, I've got quite a few things to occupy my time for the next little while. I am knitting a pair of mittens with the help of my friend and her grandma (aka the queen of knitting). I've also joined a fantasy football league (haha) where theoretically none of us really know what we're doing. My tentative team name is the Skull Crushers because that is extremely hardcore and intimidating, and also particularly apt at the moment. I thought it was clever. Better names are welcome though. (Fantasy football tips are also welcome.) Also, I have a lot of work to do as far as packing goes. I have bins and drawers and closets and more bins of clothes that I never thoroughly went through when I came home for the summer, and I made a sizable online shopping trip the other day, so now I have to get rid of that number of items (and more). I'm going to go by the rule "if I haven't worn it this year, I probably won't wear it next year".  This whole purging thing makes perfect sense to me, but I make excuses for every little garment to justify keeping them. Not this time, though. This time I'm going to be tough and ruthless. Grrr.

Anyway, I'm rambling. The last 6 weeks have involved a lot of pain, a lot of narcotics, a lot of mushy food, a lot of complaining, a lot of TV, a lot of visitors, a lot of love, and a lot of progress. I really couldn't have done it without all of you cheering me on. So just keep sending me positive anti-inflammatory thoughts for the next little while and I promise I'll stop whining soon. :)

For now, here is my most current side-by-side profile shot.

Profile comparison as of day 38.

I think it's really quite a remarkable difference! Now if only my cheeks would catch up to the awesomeness.....

Bed time for me! :)

A

ps. When I started this post, it was 6 weeks post-op. But now it's quarter after 1, so I guess I should say 6 weeks and one day. Whatever.

I wrote a song about my residual swelling. Day 32.

Today marks 4 weeks that I've been home from the hospital. 4 loooong weeks. Yesterday was one month since my surgery and I was going to make a post in honour of that, but I kind of forgot. 4 weeks at home is just as exciting of a landmark though! For my picture today I decided to go head on so you can fully appreciate how swollen I still am and how annoying that still is. You can see my beautiful splint poking through my lips. Here it is: 

Day 32

I'm getting very annoyed that I still can't smile. I tried to smile for a photo and it was just embarrassing. It doesn't help that I can't move my forehead either. It kind of resembles someone who has just had botox into her head and collagen into her lips. If you know me, you probably know that I enjoy to smile. I would like to do that again soon. I'm sorry Jennifer Coolidge, but you are somewhat what I resemble when I try to flash my pearly whites. Although I don't even look as full of emotion.

My current smile doppelganger

Yesterday was my first outing that wasn't to my surgeon's office! My old roommate Laura came and spent the day with me which was lovely as always. We walked up to Bloor for much-needed pedicures, and then- this is where it gets exciting- we walked all the way to Baskin Robbins for some ice cream (and back!). If you live in (or know) the village, you can appreciate that distance (it's just over one subway stop). Our prize for such a strenuous journey was a tub of gold medal ribbon. YUM. Highlight of the adventure though was seeing a gentleman on the street with my exact haircut. We bonded.

I've had a nice quiet day watching the Olympics and some Storage Wars and I ate one of my mom's homemade blueberry muffins. It's been pouring most of the day so I haven't gone for a walk. Instead, I wrote a song based on my feelings towards this residual swelling. I didn't really write it, it's more of a re-imagination of Someday My Prince Will Come from Snow White. I've tweaked the lyrics a bit so it is applicable to my situation. I've put a link for the Barbra Streisand version, so open that and let it play while you read my improved lyrics.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsHAWQQCiZ0

Ladies and gentlemen, I present:

Someday my swelling will go

Someday my swelling will go,
Someday I'll see cheekbones.
And how thrilling that moment will be,
When the face of my dreams comes to me.
I'll whisper I love you,
And steal a glance or two.
Though it's far away, I'll wink again someday,
Someday when my face isn't blue.

Someday I'll make a smile,

Someday I'll close my lips.

And I know at the moment they meet,

My heart will start skipping a beat.

Someday I'll say and do

Things I've been longing to,

Things like eat a steak, and drink a beer someday

Someday when my jaw isn't new.

Soon, just you wait and see

There, under my swelling, will be

Something I simply can't help but adore-

A jawline to thrill me forever!

Someday my swelling will go

Someday all my nerves will grow.

Though it's far away, I'll raise my brows someday.

Someday I'll be able to chew!

Oh please, let me smile anew.

And I lived happily ever after. It's been a long day.

Here's hoping that "someday" is a day before I have to go back to school! :)


A

Just truckin' along. Day 28.

Not a whole lot of excitement to report since my last post. Two posts this week- look at me go!

I met with my surgeon today. He was very, very pleased with everything! He said my incisions had healed beautifully, and all the ones inside my mouth looked great too. He said the fact that I'm still as swollen as I am is completely normal. Every time I ask if it's normal that something hurts, he just reminds me that I had major surgery. Nothing I don't know, but still reassuring that nothing has gone horribly wrong. Ooh! The one new exciting thing is that the inside of my upper lip has started tingling- the sign that I am regaining feeling there! I found out today that part of the surgery entailed peeling my facial muscles off of the bone (yes, you read that correctly), and they take about 6 weeks to reattach...so I should regain full feeling of my upper lips and cheeks in the near future! Wahoo! All I can say is I'm glad I didn't know that before the big day. Yikes!

I don't think I've ever actually summed up my feeling (or lack thereof). Basically, I have full feeling and mobility of my lower lip and chin, some movement but no feeling from my upper lip up to and including my lower eyelids (except I can feel my nose), full feeling and some movement of my upper eyelids, and full feeling but zero movement of my eyebrows and forehead. Everything cheeks and down should come back pretty soon. I've been offered the option to go see an eye surgeon about having temporary gold weights put into my eyelids but they don't bother me enough at this moment to have anything else done to my face (can you blame me??), and there's no guarantee that my forehead movement will come back, but I won't know for sure for at least a year, unless of course it comes back before then. But I mean, I can't do the one-eyebrow-raise anyway, and it's like free botox! Don't some women pay a lot of money to have their foreheads stop moving? No wrinkles for me! Thanks, OHIP!

Anyway, the appointment was good and reassuring. On surgery day, I had asked to be able to see my joints after they were taken out, but at this point it looks like I'll just be able to see the photos he took of them. Apparently they don't get joints that mangled very often, so they have been taken to be studied. Hopefully he'll let me see the photos next time- I have an appointment in 2 weeks to have my splint removed. I shudder at how much that's going to hurt (they told me to load up on pain meds on my way over), but I know that's just one step closer to being back to normal.

Here is a photo of me today- note that I am showered and in real clothes! Yay! For now I have embraced my edgy hipster haircut. I see it everywhere- no one has to know that I had it done against my will, it could just be my cool style!

Day 28.

Also a more up-close photo of my incisions. Look at those beautiful scars! They are fading away more and more every day. I'm pretty darn pleased with them. Also I have no idea why I haven't bruised at all during this whole thing. How does THAT make sense? My surgeon must be even more pro than I thought!

As a last little treat, I forgot to post my cool xrays in the last post so here they are! You can't see the top part of the joint because it's made of plastic, but you can see the bottom part, and the bolts in the chin and behind the nose. In the other one you can see the joints head on and how they are bolted into my head. I know it's a little bit gruesome, but you can't tell me this isn't wicked. I'm still just blown away that this can even be done. I really am so lucky.

Time to go watch a movie with my friends that are visiting. All in all, a good day. (I mean, I had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner! Cut up really small!) Thanks, still, for all the continued love and support :) Means more than you'll ever know!

A

I slept with a bikini tied around my head. Day 25.

Yes, that's right. One of the downfalls of lost facial movement is that my eyelids don't seal quite tight enough (they are still "closed" though...I don't look like a creepy person), and I have a fan blowing on me all night so they get rather dry. I have a lovely silk sleep mask that I wear all the time (I like to sleep in darkness), and it has been solving my dry eye problem wonderfully, but 3 nights ago it disappeared. No sign of it anywhere. So perplexing since I would never take it out of bed. Wednesday night I solved the problem by velcroing the long thing that holds my ice pack around my face, but then I realized I wanted it to do its job, namely- hold ice packs. So then my mom, out of sheer brilliance, grabbed one of my bathing suit tops as a solution. And I gotta say, it worked like a charm. I could tie it loose enough that it wouldn't cut into my healing battle wounds, and if I wanted to be really ambitious I could put my nose through the mid-chest key hole (this was impractical though). I know how silly I looked, but dry eyes are so annoying that it was totally worth it. This morning though, my mom and Elizabeth came in and decided that I looked like a fly. After a verse or two of "Shoo fly, don't bother me", Elizabeth remembered that she, too, has a sleep mask that she's offered to lend me til mine shows up. Problem solved, and now I won't be woken up to songs likening me to an insect. Resemblance? Nah.

To be honest, this whole bedridden thing is getting old. The honeymoon phase of lounging all day is wearing off. I just tried to drink some hot chocolate and it spilled all down my face and onto my pillow. Ugh. I am getting better at eating, though. For the first couple weeks, all I could eat was soup and smoothies (ewww...so over smoothies) via one of my fabulous 60mL syringes (see photo). Now, I can take off my elastics and eat, albeit painfully, anything that I don't have to chew: stuff like mashed potatoes, rice with goat cheese, and spaghetti cut up reeeeeally really small. Carbo-loading yes, but it's certainly more exciting than all the various soups I've been having. I have lost about 15 lbs so far, which I credit to the syringe diet. I should patent that. Who needs the gym? Just have jaw surgery. Or voluntarily eat everything out of a syringe. Forever.

Apparently I am healing very well, but I wish the swelling would disappear! I feel like I've plateaued in that department for the time being. I have to keep being reminded of the extent and severity of what I had done, and that I should obviously not expect to be fully recovered by now. I mean, I sleep more than 12 hours a day! But I just want to eat sushi or a hamburger, go swimming, walk farther than up the street without getting tired, sit on a patio and have a beer etc.... In due time I suppose, but a girl can dream. I'm going to try to continue to decrease my pain meds and keep going with my jaw exercises and hope that I'm good to go for September. I'm currently signed up to be a volunteer during orientation week, and I really don't want to have to cancel that! My jaw exercises, by the way, are very exciting: open and close my mouth 100 times a day. I'm up to 1.5 fingers wide, which doesn't look like a lot, but I've made a lot of progress considering on day 10 when my surgeon cut off my elastics my jaw just fell right open because my muscles were so out of practice. Now THAT hurt. It still hurts to exercise but it's getting better...only up from here! This weekend kind of sucks because it's the long weekend, and instead of being at Veld, Osheaga, Caribana or my old roommate Ellen's annual Barn Dance, I am in bed. Thank goodness for the olympics!! If there's going to be a summer where you have to recover from something for this long, pick an olympic summer. Very well planned on my part ;)

All whining aside, I'm sure I am slowly getting better. The pain is pretty good, it's just the medication that wipes me out. Slowly getting off those bad boys. Thanks again to all the people that haven't forgotten about me yet! So amazing how much love is still coming my way. It really is nice to have so many people in your corner. :)

Here is a picture of me today, on day 25. I don't see a huge change. Scars are hardly noticeable though, eh?

Day 25!

Also as a last note- I just wanted to clarify that I had nothing done to my nose! A few people were asking after they saw my comparison photo. It does look very different, but that just goes to show how much changing the jaw can change the proportions of the face. And my upper lip is still quite swollen so that could explain it too. Unless of course I did have a nose job under the knife and no one told me! HA can you imagine?? Anyway, time for a movie!

A

I blame the drugs...

I know, I know... I'm the worst. Pre-surgery, I had all of these elaborate plans to have the most awesome, up-to-date blog ever once I got home from the hospital. But as it turns out, narcotics aren't very conducive to blogging (or anything but sleeping, for that matter). But today is the day. I managed to eat a scrambled egg this morning, so I am riding that top of the world feeling right back into the blogging world. So here we go!

Hospital Stay
My vacation to the lovely Mt Sinai was overall pretty decent. After a ~9.5 hour surgery (that went perfectly, to quote my surgeon!) I was moved to ICU, where at one point I woke up and thought I was still in surgery, and couldn't make noise because I had a tube in both my mouth and my nose. That was quite possibly the most terrifying moment of my entire life. Ugh, I shudder just thinking about it! That was short-lived though, and then I realized where I was. I don't remember a whole lot about ICU except that I felt like I couldn't breathe most of the time. I had a little notepad to write notes on to communicate, and while most are illegible, many can be made out to say something dramatic along the lines of "I can't breathe" or "I'm drowning". There's also one that requests that Steph (who slept over with me) put Call Me Maybe on my iPod...go figure. The heart wants what the heart wants. That night was quite traumatic actually. The nurse was great but I remember only being frustrated by the respiratory tech. I have memories of complaining that I couldn't breathe and her going to look for another tube, and coming back saying she couldn't find it etc. At one point I was freaking out so much that she decided to just yank out the nose and mouth tubes at the same time...that was extremely unpleasant to say the least, but at least then I didn't feel like I was drowning. But all in all, I survived!

Not a happy camper in ICU!

The next day I got promoted to a normal room. The actual move was pretty awful because they reclined my head all the way back, which obviously is a no-go after you've just had surgery on your face. Call me crazy, but that just makes good sense, no? So that was painful, and they also kept whacking my bed into the door/wall etc on my way into the new room. Silver lining of this though is that I was screaming so loudly that within 5 minutes in my new room, my new roomie asked to be moved, so I got a private room! Success! I really should thank the less-than-gentle transporters. (I was going to get a new roommate starting Thursday but my dad saved the day and got them to keep it private. Really made such a difference.) Wednesday was also not much fun, but Steph stayed overnight with me again like a champ. She's racking up mad sister points during this whole ordeal. The pain wasn't completely unbearable because I was given a pain pump. Unfortunately though, I blew through my 4 hour allotment of drugs in the first 2 hours, so the resident Pain Team had to come and give me the instructions again- just because I can give myself a dose every 5 minutes doesn't mean I have to. Thursday morning, 3 of my 4 surgeons came in and told me that my instructions for the day were to not lie down...I had to start walking around and spend my time sitting up in a chair. Scary! This was a good day for the most part. I had an amazing nurse, Mary (I lucked out and had her Friday and Saturday as well), I tore up the 11th floor making laps around the nurses station, and my old roommate Laura came and hung out with me in the afternoon. My family took turns so I was never alone. They rock. Elizabeth even subwayed down all by herself to bring me fresh pjs :)

Thursday- 2 days post-op. Up in my chair!

That night though I received, shall we say, less than ideal care. A few things that weren't the greatest about my night nurse: I got my 9:30 meds at 10:30, she didn't plug in my IV (thank goodness my mom heard the beeping in the middle of the night), she was nowhere to be found most of the time, she only gave me a half dose of tylenol because they were "out" (did you know a hospital could run out of the rare, rare drug tylenol?), and made up my vitals (as in, she wrote down my temp, bp and oxygen levels without actually measuring them). One of my surgeons also informed me that afternoon (Friday) that I was in so much pain that morning because I just didn't receive my night time dose of narcotics. K, COOL. When you have your face cut up for almost a whole day, it's not exactly good times to go medicine-free. I'm not letting that miserable night mar my memory of my hospital stay though, because most of the rest of it was excellent. One of my surgeons was particularly awesome and spent so much time helping me in my room. Her name was also Ali so we bonded instantly! The rest of the time in the hospital until I left on Saturday morning was spent drinking water and apple juice, walking in circles around the hallways, and sleeping. Almost all of the Wither lab came and visited me on Friday which was lovely. I wasn't a very engaging host because I couldn't talk a whole lot, so Steph took the liberty of postponing most of my other visitors til I got home. Here are a couple photos from my last day in the hospital- remember I'm extremely swollen!

Saturday- you should see the other guy

Saying goodbye to Dr. Ali and Mary!

Home time!

I've been home now since last Saturday, the 14th. I came home to my room and house all decorated by Elizabeth with welcome home signs and the like. Sadly, the kiddo had to jet off to camp that Sunday but she's been able to call and check in a few times. It really hasn't been that awful of a recovery, actually. My parents might beg to differ because they have to get me up every other hour for my meds and fresh ice but other than that it's not awful. There's so much more to say about my home life, but I'll leave that for another post. I do, though, want to give a huge thank you to everyone. My room is full of beautiful flowers, and so many people have taken the time to come and keep me company. I've received so many thoughtful cards, care packages and messages of good fortune. I feel so very lucky, and I'm so overwhelmed by the outpour of support I've been getting. It really does make this all that much easier. I'll end this little post with my first "before and after" photo, circa 13 days post-op. More like before and during I suppose, because I'm still quite swollen, but just to give you an idea of the shape change. This isn't the best photo, but this is one of the best angle-matches so that's why I like it. Check out my super cool hairdo and my battle scars! Voila!!

Before & After at 13 days!!

More to come!

A